I hate it when people compliment my body. And it's become so clear to me that if I didn't have a curvy body (even though I'm more shaped like a pear) no one would look my way. I've noticed that whenever my friends compliment me it's always because of my butt. Never my face or even my personality. I've been sexualized since a very young age. In school I was made FUN OF because of my butt and was constantly met with the gaze of creepy older men. I've been catcalled more times than I can count, and the only two times that boys bothered to approach me was because I was "thick". Looking back on it now I've been sexually assaulted by both boys and girls and one boy went so far as to sexually harass me everyday to the point where I felt so uncomfortable I changed classes. I've grown to hate when people compliment my body. It makes me feel like the only attractive thing about me is my butt. Yeah sure, in some classes I'm labeled the "smart kid"- yet all that got me was people using me. I honestly feel fucking worthless. Just some toy for people to gawk at or play around with and treat like shit.
And I bet my life that if I had no ass or tits half of this shit wouldn't have happened to me. I've become so paranoid and scared. I want to find love someday but I'm so afraid that the only thing that brought that person to me was my body and not my personality or face. And the worst part is that people think those compliments are something I should be proud of or feel beautiful about, but it isn't. I just feel like some damn sex doll.
I saw an old ex-friend today while I was leaving my school, she said hi to me and then went back to her other friends, tbh I knew that me discontinuing a toxic friendship where I was constantly insecure about myself was the best choice for me. but I couldn't help but feel sad, it was almost like we weren't just the best of friends the year before, idk it made my heart hurt a little bit and made me a little insecure, for some reason. every time I see her I get the same feeling. and it kinda feels like I'm the only one hung up on it while shes forgot about me and moved on to her new friends. idk that was just my little rant :/
Today, less than an hour ago, I saw a picture of a two year old who was murdered six months before I was born. Of course the picture was taken before he was murdered, but I digress. The picture contextualized the experience. The child looked happy, with so much left to offer the world, yet he was murdered. I have little tolerance, if any, for those who are bullies. I have less for those who hurt defenseless members of society. When it comes to the Elderly, the Disabled, and Children, my tolerance is in the negative column. It makes me sick when I hear about a child being abused and/or murdered no matter whom the perpetrator is (i.e. Parent, Stranger, teenager, etc.)... A lot of things are evil , but don't make me as ill as infanticide. Its almost as if I am being kicked in the stomach as I hear cases such as these. Bottom line: It really pisses me off.
I hate that I feel violated in a way, because some random person had access to my Spotify and were playing completely random songs like it was their playlist? and it scares me, because what might they have access to now in my accounts (even though things aren't attached - how did they access my spotify?)
I just...feel upset by it in a really simple and weird way - like - making your own free Spotify (which is what mine is, it's not like it's premium even) is super simple and easy? Why not do it, why go through the trouble of using someone else's and making them feel intruded upon/violated?