I've always been a heavier girl, and lately I've gone back up in weight by quite a lot, unfortunately.
While normally it doesn't bother me that much (it used to wreck my entire life, honestly, but in the past few years I've actually been a lot happier with myself physically) I apparently have been really fragile emotionally lately. I stepped on the scale because I knew I'd been gaining weight, I could feel the slight tightness in my clothes in certain areas and could see it in my face, being bloaty but.....
It still hurt me to step on the scale and feel I've let myself down.
I already started earlier this week trying to eat better, drink more water, eat less, and get in some slight exercise (starting slow and trying to build up; I hate, hate, hate exercise....but I want to come to enjoy it, I really do).
I know things take time but....I hate feeling so fat and gross, so much like I'm ugly because of the added weight (even though I keep trying to remind myself that I'm beautiful, and that even with added weight I'm still me and still beautiful) but I just. IDK.
I can't stop wanting to cry. I can't stop looking at the weight on my face in the mirror or feeling the pudge at my waistband pressing and making me feel just...horrible about myself. The way I put weight on is awkward too. It literally sits on my stomach and looks awkward like I'm pregnant - but I'm not. I'm just waiting for someone at work to say "oh, congratulations!"
Thanks. It's all the fat my body is storing like a camel preparing to make a trek across the Sahara.
I need a hug. A big, cuddly, warm one.