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Discussion ✯ ✵ Mental Health Support✯ ✵ (2 Viewers)

lexus

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I never in my life would’ve thought that being on a forum and then leaving it would’ve been so mentally draining. I even woke up super anxious today and eventually had a panic attack and then a crying spell. I couldn’t explain why I was even crying to munch mom. Well, the forum isn’t the only reason why, but still. I just needed to finally get away from toxicity and everything else that came from there. It’s not worth it anymore. This leads me to my next point, I need to be online a lot less. Everyday I’m always bored from the time I wake up until I fall asleep. Being online is the thing that gives me something to do. School doesn’t start for me until next month and I still don’t know which degree path to follow. I feel like there is so much I should be doing, but everything just seems boring to me. I know this is stupid to get worked up over, but I really needed to get it off my chest.
 

Vikki

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I never in my life would’ve thought that being on a forum and then leaving it would’ve been so mentally draining. I even woke up super anxious today and eventually had a panic attack and then a crying spell. I couldn’t explain why I was even crying to munch mom. Well, the forum isn’t the only reason why, but still. I just needed to finally get away from toxicity and everything else that came from there. It’s not worth it anymore. This leads me to my next point, I need to be online a lot less. Everyday I’m always bored from the time I wake up until I fall asleep. Being online is the thing that gives me something to do. School doesn’t start for me until next month and I still don’t know which degree path to follow. I feel like there is so much I should be doing, but everything just seems boring to me. I know this is stupid to get worked up over, but I really needed to get it off my chest.
Its not stupid at all, if youre worked up about it then theres a good reason for it, even if it doesnt seem that way. I hope the break does good things for you and you start to feel better. No matter what, we'll always be here for you. :pandalove:
 

lexus

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Its not stupid at all, if youre worked up about it then theres a good reason for it, even if it doesnt seem that way. I hope the break does good things for you and you start to feel better. No matter what, we'll always be here for you. :pandalove:
Thank you. It’s nice knowing that you guys will always have my back no matter what.
:pepeheart:
 

TwentyOneJongdae

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I guess since I've left AKP I can post here now.

I'm still rather stressed and worried from all the drama on AKP. People still aren't believing me. I get people won't but it still is bothering me. I was hurt and people are still being awful to me for possibly causing a bad reputation of someone on the site...because it was really my fault someone disguised as this person to hurt me like they did. That person who did this is just so disgusting and the fact that they even said they knew my age. Fucking awful.

Well, anyways. Still haven't been able to get a lot of sleep. Averaging 2 or 3 hours a night. Constantly feel sick at this point.

Still don't want or think I should be here still. Whats new though.
 

Emily

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I keep running into moments where I stop, think, and realize Jongsuk is leaving for the military soon. I know it sounds so completely ridiculous. People criticize getting emotional and personal over strangers you don't know. Like yeah, I get it, kpop idols create this image for the public and I like many fall for the idol. When it comes to actors, it is so much more in your face they are on screen act as characters that aren't them. But it is people like Lee Jongsuk and Park Hyungsik that play such a part in my life and in my heart when I watch them on screen. Jongsuk is going to go and soon Hyungsik is going to go. I'm sad, it feels lonely, and all I can do is sit back and hope two years fly by.
 
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Just wanted to give an update: I've calmed down since my last post. I even read an autobiography of someone who has BPD. I think I have problems and those may give reason to a lot of my actions and behaviors--I don't have a strong belief in me having BPD anymore it was just paranoia and slippery self-esteem and panic that led to me freaking out.

I really don't get why I'm so unstable when it comes to who I am. I really hate it. I wish people could say things about me and it wouldn't pester me for months or years or make me question everything I am with just a few simple words. I hate it.

I'm trying to not do that anymore, I still question everything at this point but hopefully my mind won't go completely unhinged in a desperate race to find out what is wrong with me.
 

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To kill myself or them... I can't handle this abuse any longer and when I tell a professional, they call me a liar... Hope they choke too
 

LeeriaYa

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To kill myself or them... I can't handle this abuse any longer and when I tell a professional, they call me a liar... Hope they choke too
I hope you can get through this. I really do think you deserve good to happen to you. Please take time to relax when you can and just take a break from it all.
 

Eden

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I hope you can get through this. I really do think you deserve good to happen to you. Please take time to relax when you can and just take a break from it all.
Work is my distraction/outlet lol, can't really take a break when you live with your abusers...
Luckily I enjoy my work and I'm glad I got to talk to some coworkers about it, they support me and try to help (as far as they're capable) it really means a lot

Damn I only just realized you're Leeriya 0_o sorry for slow response >.< hope you're okay!
 

Eden

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Forever trashtalking me just because I can't drive, well guess what? The first thing I'd do if I had a license is give you a ride and cause a fatal "accident" you better be happy fucking jerk
 
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Eden

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I really want a name change sigh she better marries me or smth
 
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TwentyOneJongdae

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Relapsed today. Cut my wrists again. So much for improvement
 
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Relapsed today. Cut my wrists again. So much for improvement
Izzy...I’ve told you. You can call me any time of the day if you ever feel like doing this again :( if you’re alone and feel like doing this I’ll drive my ass to wherever you are and stop you. You’re like my little sister and I never want anything bad to happen to you
 

lexus

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I don’t understand why I can feel really calm, but my mind still feels anxious. I was just driving around with my mom and I felt fine physically, but mentally I was scared to have her drive any farther because I wanted to prevent a panic attack just in case. Now I keep beating myself up because I feel like I should’ve tried a lot harder. I hate how I overthink everything.
 

kodoku

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first time posting in this thread, so hi everyone! (some of you might know me from allkpop hehe). I hope everyone is doing okay and know you can always talk to me, stay strong <3
 
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taemkitten

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I haven't felt this down in a while.

I keep trying to tell myself that maybe I'm just overtired, maybe it's just that I've been pushing myself so much in work this week. My diet and sleeping schedule lately has been really hideous - which doesn't add any positives to how I've been feeling (and probably isn't helping me emotionally, as that stuff affects us more than we want to admit).

Today I slept a lot of the day, and with the time change where we lost an hour (and in turn the time seemingly flying by faster than I want, on a Sunday evening, it...doesn't help). I woke up from a second random afternoon/evening nap earlier and I'm not feeling even more sad and emotionally wrought. I hate it. I'm so sick of the feeling.

Lately I've been having surges, randomly, of more of these emotionally exhausting bouts of my depression creeping up and my anxiety tearing at the skin to break way to the surface. I keep worrying that maybe I need to talk to my doctor about a different anti-depressant/anti-anxiety prescription, but this one has been doing so well for so long that I'm afraid to try others lest they don't work, or I feel the hideously overwhelming depression and anxiety that I felt before coming in. I keep hoping that maybe if I just get enough sleep, if I just ignore the feelings and remind myself that they're real, but only that they're not real in the sense that they have an attachment to anything other than a hormonal imbalance in my brain, that maybe they'll go away. I keep hoping that it's just "the Sunday blues" but...it keeps happening more and more as time goes by, and in the most random moments of my life for no reason - hence my realization it's my depression and not a legitimate thing upsetting me.

Despite knowing it's my mental disorder, I can't stop the pain I feel and the overwhelming, anxious and restless feelings of depression and sadness. Like a black pit. It's really tearing me up more than I care to admit.

Maybe it really is time to go back to the doctor.
I hate this.
 

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I honestly miss who I used to be, that peaceful and smiley kid. Before I became unwell and had to figure out how to express myself in sessions where words are always going to be useless because what words are going to express a fraction of how it actually is or put what I want to say nicely. More than anything, I wish I weren't broken in this way. Am I the mistake or is my perspective? When everything else in my life is decently put together for the most part and gives me no reason to be this sad and tired, I feel so out of place sometimes. People like my parents who ask me if I'm happy will never understand that a degree or money isn't going to make me happy. I don't know what will, and I don't understand the concept of happiness when I see it around me that well. I really wish I could feel it. I feel bad that they try so hard to understand and probably blame themselves for being confused, which they shouldn't. I'm not going to expect to be understood when I don't understand myself either. Why is it so hard to live life when other people wake up everyday and seem to have no problem with it? I don't get what it is to not casually contemplate leaving my life no matter where I am. I can really feel how much I hate myself for this, it's suffocating. The wealthiest and most famous of people have faced this. It's not your fault, don't blame yourself. Unhappiness and depression aren't the same. I know and have heard all that before, but it's always going to be hard not to hate what I see when I look at myself.

I can't talk well about it so I'm given alternatives instead. They know it comes and goes, so I come in only when it's really bad and I can't even focus on doing what I like, studying or being around people because all I can think about is how I would do it and how I don't really matter so why not go ahead this time. I know that I'm more than this. That books I haven't finished, the music that hasn't come out yet. People I have to be there for, people I'd like to meet later on. Those places I want to go, and what I'd like to do there. I have to remind myself about everything I want to do and convince myself constantly that I should live my life to be able to experience that, to never fall over that edge. That while it's one life out of billions, it does matter. It's not typical healthy self love or care, but I'm trying to want to be here and be the best version of myself possible while I'm here too.
 
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LeeriaYa

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I honestly miss who I used to be, that peaceful and smiley kid. Before I became unwell and had to figure out how to express myself in sessions where words are always going to be useless because what words are going to express a fraction of how it actually is or put what I want to say nicely. More than anything, I wish I weren't broken in this way. Am I the mistake or is my perspective? When everything else in my life is decently put together for the most part and gives me no reason to be this sad and tired, I feel so out of place sometimes. People like my parents who ask me if I'm happy will never understand that a degree or money isn't going to make me happy. I don't know what will, and I don't understand the concept of happiness when I see it around me that well. I really wish I could feel it. I feel bad that they try so hard to understand and probably blame themselves for being confused, which they shouldn't. I'm not going to expect to be understood when I don't understand myself either. Why is it so hard to live life when other people wake up everyday and seem to have no problem with it? I don't get what it is to not casually contemplate leaving my life no matter where I am. I can really feel how much I hate myself for this, it's suffocating. The wealthiest and most famous of people have faced this. It's not your fault, don't blame yourself. Unhappiness and depression aren't the same. I know and have heard all that before, but it's always going to be hard not to hate what I see when I look at myself.

I can't talk well about it so I'm given alternatives instead. They know it comes and goes, so I come in only when it's really bad and I can't even focus on doing what I like, studying or being around people because all I can think about is how I would do it and how I don't really matter so why not go ahead this time. I know that I'm more than this. That books I haven't finished, the music that hasn't come out yet. People I have to be there for, people I'd like to meet later on. Those places I want to go, and what I'd like to do there. I have to remind myself about everything I want to do and convince myself constantly that I should live my life to be able to experience that, to never fall over that edge. That while it's one life out of billions, it does matter. It's not typical healthy self love or care, but I'm trying to want to be here and be the best version of myself possible while I'm here too.
Remember Bina. You’re loved even when days you don’t smile or feel happiest. You’re still a person who’s still remained strong and it takes true strength to admit you not always can be. There’s nothing wrong if it is depression,or a passing moment of sadness because you are allowed to feel hurt just as much as others do and not feel that you shouldn’t be allowed to. You’ve gone through a lot and sometimes you will feel it isn’t allowed to feel as much hurt for it. When really for someone who just admitted they’re feeling much more hurt that they can’t even explain it. That’s when you know it’s bad because you’re able to understand immensely in others,but will take more time to see inside your self. Just remember we’re always here when you feel you do find more. But don’t feel it’s your fault or perspective. Some days we will see the life in gold,and sometimes see the life in onyx. But you have come for to even admit at the end of your words. You are trying and you even said there’s more you want to do. You’re right sometimes we have moments where we self love and sometimes not. But we try and come up with more ways because we still do have a small will to keep going. You’re entitled to only the greatest things and I hope you feel better. I feel the same as you do many times and that’s when sometimes just have to know it’s okay not to smile or know what’s wrong. We eventually will and it’s a test for us to keep going. I hope one day you love seeing yourself as well. I hope I can say the same of myself: but just know. I still think you’re incredibly strong and wonderful especially the times you feel you need to smile. Many adore you here when you’re just here with us. You’re an entity of warmth in all moments and a warrior
 

lexus

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I’m not sure if this really belongs in the mental health thread or not, but’s it’s still kind of freaking me out. Last night I was trying to fall asleep and I noticed that it felt like I couldn’t move. I also kept hearing noses and it felt like something was trying to get me. It happened to me two times last night and I almost had to go get mom because it freaked me out so much. It felt like I was just paralyzed and couldn’t open my eyes or mouth for a few seconds. I’m almost scared of falling asleep tonight. I just hope it doesn’t happen again. I haven’t told my mom yet because I’m afraid of what she’ll think.
 

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