I hope you can get through this. I really do think you deserve good to happen to you. Please take time to relax when you can and just take a break from it all.To kill myself or them... I can't handle this abuse any longer and when I tell a professional, they call me a liar... Hope they choke too
Work is my distraction/outlet lol, can't really take a break when you live with your abusers...I hope you can get through this. I really do think you deserve good to happen to you. Please take time to relax when you can and just take a break from it all.
Izzy...I’ve told you. You can call me any time of the day if you ever feel like doing this again :( if you’re alone and feel like doing this I’ll drive my ass to wherever you are and stop you. You’re like my little sister and I never want anything bad to happen to youRelapsed today. Cut my wrists again. So much for improvement
I honestly miss who I used to be, that peaceful and smiley kid. Before I became unwell and had to figure out how to express myself in sessions where words are always going to be useless because what words are going to express a fraction of how it actually is or put what I want to say nicely. More than anything, I wish I weren't broken in this way. Am I the mistake or is my perspective? When everything else in my life is decently put together for the most part and gives me no reason to be this sad and tired, I feel so out of place sometimes. People like my parents who ask me if I'm happy will never understand that a degree or money isn't going to make me happy. I don't know what will, and I don't understand the concept of happiness when I see it around me that well. I really wish I could feel it. I feel bad that they try so hard to understand and probably blame themselves for being confused, which they shouldn't. I'm not going to expect to be understood when I don't understand myself either. Why is it so hard to live life when other people wake up everyday and seem to have no problem with it? I don't get what it is to not casually contemplate leaving my life no matter where I am. I can really feel how much I hate myself for this, it's suffocating. The wealthiest and most famous of people have faced this. It's not your fault, don't blame yourself. Unhappiness and depression aren't the same. I know and have heard all that before, but it's always going to be hard not to hate what I see when I look at myself.
I can't talk well about it so I'm given alternatives instead. They know it comes and goes, so I come in only when it's really bad and I can't even focus on doing what I like, studying or being around people because all I can think about is how I would do it and how I don't really matter so why not go ahead this time. I know that I'm more than this. That books I haven't finished, the music that hasn't come out yet. People I have to be there for, people I'd like to meet later on. Those places I want to go, and what I'd like to do there. I have to remind myself about everything I want to do and convince myself constantly that I should live my life to be able to experience that, to never fall over that edge. That while it's one life out of billions, it does matter. It's not typical healthy self love or care, but I'm trying to want to be here and be the best version of myself possible while I'm here too.
It’s sleep paralysis. I get it also under extreme amounts of depression and anxiety which I know you’ve spoken of before. So it means you’re bottling internally and it’s effecting your sleep.I’m not sure if this really belongs in the mental health thread or not, but’s it’s still kind of freaking me out. Last night I was trying to fall asleep and I noticed that it felt like I couldn’t move. I also kept hearing noses and it felt like something was trying to get me. It happened to me two times last night and I almost had to go get mom because it freaked me out so much. It felt like I was just paralyzed and couldn’t open my eyes or mouth for a few seconds. I’m almost scared of falling asleep tonight. I just hope it doesn’t happen again. I haven’t told my mom yet because I’m afraid of what she’ll think.
I actually figured out that it was sleep paralysis when I looked it up today. I didn't know much about it until now. I guess I really do need to take some more time to relax and focus on myself. I definitely need to fix my sleeping schedule too. My anxiety has been going up and down lately so I really need to get some more sleep and destress more often.It’s sleep paralysis. I get it also under extreme amounts of depression and anxiety which I know you’ve spoken of before. So it means you’re bottling internally and it’s effecting your sleep.
Please focus on yourself too Mew Mew :c just take breathing at times. Find some things that may soothe you.
I've always been a heavier girl, and lately I've gone back up in weight by quite a lot, unfortunately.
While normally it doesn't bother me that much (it used to wreck my entire life, honestly, but in the past few years I've actually been a lot happier with myself physically) I apparently have been really fragile emotionally lately. I stepped on the scale because I knew I'd been gaining weight, I could feel the slight tightness in my clothes in certain areas and could see it in my face, being bloaty but.....
It still hurt me to step on the scale and feel I've let myself down.
I already started earlier this week trying to eat better, drink more water, eat less, and get in some slight exercise (starting slow and trying to build up; I hate, hate, hate exercise....but I want to come to enjoy it, I really do).
I know things take time but....I hate feeling so fat and gross, so much like I'm ugly because of the added weight (even though I keep trying to remind myself that I'm beautiful, and that even with added weight I'm still me and still beautiful) but I just. IDK.
I can't stop wanting to cry. I can't stop looking at the weight on my face in the mirror or feeling the pudge at my waistband pressing and making me feel just...horrible about myself. The way I put weight on is awkward too. It literally sits on my stomach and looks awkward like I'm pregnant - but I'm not. I'm just waiting for someone at work to say "oh, congratulations!"
Thanks. It's all the fat my body is storing like a camel preparing to make a trek across the Sahara.
I need a hug. A big, cuddly, warm one.