I was born with a skin condition called keloids. They're on my face, neck, and ear (and other areas, but these are the visible ones). They can be incredibly painful and are incurable. They make me look deformed, and in the world we live in, appearance is everything. Even people who are, in society's eyes, below average-looking are approached or looked at so long as they still look "normal." Since I don't look "normal", people literally stop and stare, give disgusted faces, keep their distance, try to flee the first chance they get (if they have to interact with me for some reason), etc., and I've experienced this since I was a baby.
I've been homeschooled most of my life (with side classes, like karate or art), but chose to go to college in order to try socializing again. By this point, my rambunctious and outgoing child-self had become incredibly quiet and shy. I literally just smiled and nodded 99% of the time and still do. I'm the type who is sensitive to other's needs, so since I know I make people uncomfortable, I make the job easy for them and don't try to interact, say hi, and I'm the one who flees first. I thought I had made some friends, a couple of girls who invited me to hang out with them quite a few times, but I happened to overhear them one day, saying something like they couldn't believe how much attention they get now that they hang out with such an ugly [insert b-word here]. I didn't have much trust in people to begin with (simply talking to me out of pity, but having no intention to get to know me, etc.), but this incident pretty much crushed every ounce of hope remaining that there are people who would look past my looks. I eventually left that college and transferred to another to study online (I'm graduating in a few weeks). To make things worse, on two different occasions, I video-chatted with two different internet friends, and they stopped talking to me right after.
My family are the type who think of themselves and are hypocrites. The things that I worry about, I'm ridiculed for, but when they worry about the same things, I'm ridiculed if I don't show sympathy (yes, my mom actually ridicules me if I don't show sympathy for my pretty sister when she's suffering from a tiny pimple on her cheek). This treatment extends to other people, too, where, in rare cases, I say something and am judged, but when other people say the same thing, they're flocked to or a discussion ensues.
So, not only my looks, but my feelings and thoughts are despised as well. I've tried to have friends on the internet, but of course, they have lives and eventually just leave with no interest in keeping in contact.
Now, I'm trying to have the keloids removed. One on my ear is done, and I'm having another surgery in a few weeks for my face, but I've been thinking lately: why in the world am I even bothering? People around my age aren't interested in making new friends; they want to focus on the relationships they have. I've also realized, back when I went to campus, that I've completely forgotten how to socialize. Literally. I can't start conversations, I become anxious because I don't know what's okay and not okay to talk about (I got scared after asking someone their favorite time of day and they burst into tears and never talked to me again), and my anxiety about being rejected or left stops me from putting more effort in.
However, depending on the topic, I can hold conversations, or even start new ones that branch off from the original topic. The other person just has to start the conversation first. I know. That isn't fair, but that's how it is, at least until I can learn how to talk again.
All I really want in life is someone I can call a friend--one that won't think I'm annoying or bothersome if I just want to say hi, and one I can contact at any point in time and expect more than one polite reply. I don't care if it's only on the internet or in real life (the latter not happening, I know). I won't ask for anything more. I really can't imagine having a long-term friend, but I'd like to try having one. I'm incredibly lonely, and all the built up pain is too much now. What am I hoping for by removing my keloids when internal and external forces are already at a point where there'll be little difference?